Someone just threatened to call me later
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No-one: I can hear screaming
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
それは草
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
They’re really bad with fonts.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Never forget.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact