me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say