You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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Breakfast for Stoners:
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
oh my god