Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
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what my late-night hot pocket sees
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Day 2 of my diet
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.