I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?