I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I unironically love this joke.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*looks at you in batman voice*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.