I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
This is a whole mood;
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.