Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”