I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.