Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh