it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.