Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…