Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.