Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too