I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?