English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
They say women only use 10% of their anger
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.