I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me too, bag. Me too….
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
#FunnyLife Insects
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.