Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*