You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN