Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this