ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Not today
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus