[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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OH. COME. ON.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.