The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?