Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Story of my life…..
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here