there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist