(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
This pepper has seen some shit
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
🤣
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat