Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The devil.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door