Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month