Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
it was love at first sight
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon