[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
January has been Januweary
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.