I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I don’t get marriage
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it