Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.