my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”