One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.