Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
choose your gary
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?