in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.