Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!