Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I am, perchance
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)