“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?