My daily affirmation
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[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*