Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about