They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Skills
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
real
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit