I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.