Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’