me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,