A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Am getting real tired of your crap…
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one