[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house