Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Um … Hot Wings please
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking