I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Lol.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
i wish i could marry a nap
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder