I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
all bases covered
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.